Friday, May 23, 2003

 
My party is today. It is a sleepover and the theme is Pre-christian britian. I am unaware of whether or not my mom realizes that there are boys sleeping over as well as girls. I try to avoid talking about the subject, but i feel that this avoidance could get me into trouble later. I know i told her, and my dad as well, but they both have ways of forgetting things that they don't want to remember.

I washed lawn furniture, baked a cake, set out candles and concocted a costume. There is much left to do however.
posted by Casey Jean 12:23 PM

 
I am painfully aware of my own mortality. It is always creeping up on me, reminding me that I will not live forever and neither will the ones I love. I don’t want to live forever. It’s too long. Sometimes I don’t want to live at all, not even another day. But right now I do want to continue in this life. I’m not yet ready for the next. So when I’m in the car, I’m afraid of the oncoming truck. I don’t want to get hit by a big rig and end up in the hospital maimed and injured. I’ve done that before and I don’t wish to repeat it. Worse I could be dead or in a coma. There are people in this life that I just can’t leave. Our bond is stronger than blood, stronger than life, stronger than time. If anything happens to make me question our relationships, I am plunged into a pit of worthlessness and depression. I don’t want go on, as I have no love, and with no love, there is no life.

As much as I both fear and love death, I would never wish it on anyone. I’ve seen death; I’ve been close to it. It is aweful and terrible. It is at once shockingly real and oddly imagined. Death is something one can never really come to terms with. Ceasing to be is too outside the normal scope of human thought to be easily processed, accepted and filed away for future reference. It is just there. We are all mortal and we will all die. We know it will happen, but we are afraid. We hope it will not be soon, but we hope it will be quick and painless. Wouldn’t dieing now be quicker and less painful in the scheme of things than waiting through an entire life of heartbreak and sorrows just to die in old age with tons of unanswered questions and unfulfilled dreams? Wouldn’t suffering through a century of grief and sorrow be worse than losing the few glimpses of happiness missed by ending it all now? But it’s those few glimpses that make it worth it, isn’t it? Who really knows? Supposing we did know, the meaning of life that is., would anything be easier? Would it be more or less meaningful? I don’t know, but I do know that for now I balance on the step between joy and anguish, happiness and fear, life and death.

What do I do when I near the oncoming truck. If I steer a little to the left, I die, a little to the right I live. My instinct says to turn the wheel, but the real question is as to which way.


posted by Casey Jean 12:09 AM