Thursday, August 07, 2003

 
And there you are. In your room. At the computer. Typing. Typing. Typing. I highly enjoy typing. Just typing out random thoughts, anything really, makes me quite happy. It takes my mind of things that I don't want to deal with at the moment. As long as I'm typing I'm ok. Nothing to worry about. My thoughts are occupied trying to find the right keys and deciding what to write next.

College is sixteen days away. Sixteen days. That is insane. It's still not real to me though. I don't know my class schedule or where I am living or who i'm rooming with. None of this is real. It's still months away, and my friends and I have plenty of time to do everything we want to accomplish before we leave.

Sometimes though, I let myself think about it. I let the reality of the situation seep into my brain, into my heart, and get really scared. Honestly, physically scared. If you can understand what i mean by 'physically' scared, then you understand the gravity of the situation. I cannot go. I cannot leave them. We will all be so far from eachother, so far from our support, our standbys...those we thought would always be there for us...but now, so soon, they will be gone.

And it's not only that I will be away from them, it's that I fear everything will be different when we see each other again. We won't be as close, we won't trust each other as much, there won't be as much oppenness. It's the end of and era, one that's only been going on since june, sure, but then end of a beautiful, unmatchable era all the same.

What will I do in college? Will i fit in? Will my life be happy? or will it be immensely stress-filled? How will I deal with things there, without people I trust to tell my issues to. Making new friends takes time, and who knows if I will find anyone I can actually trust enough to be totally open with. Do I even want to? I'm happy with the friends i have now, and I don't want to betray them.

::sigh::

well, for now, there's not much I can do about it except savor the time I have left here, and get ready as best I can. Come august 23rd, we shall see what unfolds. It is still imagined in my mind though. This cannot be over, this cannot end. I will not let it. It's unallowable!

posted by Casey Jean 10:17 AM

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

 
I haven't written here or in my book of writings for quite a while it seems. I suppose it's because I haven't needed too. I've been quite busy, but business alone isn't what has kept me from writing. I've had other ways to let go of emotion and share what I'm feeling. I've also been in an extended state of bliss for quite a while now. Now I've been splashed back into the previous state for the week, leaving me rather lonely.

Sure, I've been afforded the opportunity to spend time with my friends, parents, family, self, whatever, but as it stands now, there is a piece of me missing, and the longer it's lacking, the further away it seems, and the worse I feel. There's a vague feeling of just wanting to sigh. My mom told me this would happen. She was right. I was OK this morning, but not so much now.

I don't like being left alone with my feelings, especially ones of loneliness or boredom, or sadness or anger or anything remotely negative. If I don't have someone to make it all ok, it generally comes off badly. Even positive emotion is veiled in apathy. These are the sorts of moments when you put on depressing or angst-ridden music and fall into a state of suspended animation. Nothing really occurs, time doesn't really pass...or does it? Does anyone care anyway?

It seems quite impossible that the family trip to Manchester could be even slightly enjoyable tomorrow what with me feeling all mopey and suchwhat. Even the use of the word suchwhat...anyway...I'll try to have a good time. I need to remember that I'm not the one that's got it badly this week. I can go out. I can do things with almost anyone, have a theoretical 'good time'...I'm not under house arrest.

Papa Roach: Last Resort...That's the song that just came on Sonique. Haven't heard that in quite some time. Seems somehow appropriate. I probably should learn to deal with everyday occurences like not seeing someone for five days. it shouldn't be a big deal, but it seems like the end of the world. How can I ever go to college if I react to something as small as this. I know it will be over soon and we will be together in just a few days, but I want to be with him NOW. I can't wait that long. That's not how it's supposed to work. I really overreact to things. I don't know what my deal is. I think i have more than one though: many. I'm a multi-dealed individual.

I am at a total loss as far as how to deal is concerned. I can't deal in the slightest. Whenever the smallest bad thing happens, everything sad about my life that I can think of just bubbles to the surface, preparing for the eventual overflow that is bound to occur. I shouldn't give in, but I fear I will...This is stupid, there is no reason to feel this way. He won't forget about me. He will still be there for me and he will still love me come friday.

It still feels like the absolute end of the world to me though.
posted by Casey Jean 2:07 AM

Friday, June 13, 2003

 
Could things be more horrible? Probably, but at times like these it certainly doesn't feel like it. For the last week and a half things have been going quite well, until today of course. I can cry again it seems. I've started to get headaches again as well. I feel like i'm being flashed back to age fifteen, which is not what i wanted at all. It's all too much.

I know what I want but I also know that I can't have it. My parents don't understand anything, and take personal offense at just about everything I say or do. No matter what I do they are disappointed or annoyed or angry. I feel like there are very few people I can actually talk to about things. I suppose that's better than having no one, which is what I used to have, but even having people to talk to isn't much help when you can't verbalize the problems or the feelings or the solutions.

I wish my mother wasn't standing outside my room doing something with what sounds like a plastic bag. I want to jump up and run out to her and shove her over. I feel like this is the culmination of all the things I've been assaulted with over the years. On the eve of graduation, It's all hitting me at once. Not the change that's about to occur (from high school student to college student). None of those sorts of things. Not the issues I'll have to deal with associated with college: going away, leaving friends, etc. Those topics certainly have a prominent place in my mind, and I ruminate on them often, but what I'm dealing with now is quite different.

Whatever unnameable something it is, It's the same thing that's been stalking me all my life. I've written songs and poems about it, cried about it, turned the car around and gone home instead of to school over it. Screamed and cried and done other things I probably shouldn't have over it. I thought it was finally gone, but I guess I was wrong. It's just been masked by other problems and joys and mostly the constant activity. No time to think about it. There have been other things to do, other things on my mind. But now they are gone, and I'm left with this unnameable something that I know so well, but understand so little.
posted by Casey Jean 12:32 PM

Sunday, May 25, 2003

 
Wicca. It's a religion i've been interested in for a while now and am learning more about all the time. Since I wrote my philosophy a few years back i've aligned myself with paganism, but not necessarily wicca. I never really connected with the idea of duality in divinty as well as a few other points of belief generally accepted by witches. I was more pantheistic and scientific about my thoughts back then. I needed ways to rationalize what i believed and show that it concurred with science rather than disagreed. Since then i've changed my beliefs somewhat. I even went through a small phase of christianity (I am very glad this phase is over. Don't get me wrong though, i still think Jesus was a swell guy...just can't deal with the single omnipotent transcendant god idea). Anyway, lately i've been drawn more and more toward Wicca. It's the one religion that really seems to click with me. I read about it and just think "This makes sense. I can believe this."

On a similar note, at my party we had this amazing seance. Certainly the message we got was not a happy one, but it was definately real. I don't even know what to say to describe the experience, which is odd, because i'm not usually the one to be at a loss for words. It happens though i suppose. There is supposed to be another seance tonight at Hitler/WWII fest. I am quite looking forward to it. I think the things that come out of a seance can be quite confusing. By this statement i don't necessarily mean the meaning of the signs and things, which can indeed be confusing because it must be interpreted, but rather why that spirit contacted us and what we should do with the information they've given us. Is it meant as a warning so that something can be changed or is it rather just meant as a heads-up "hey, just to let you know, this is going to happen, don't bother trying to change it." I'd like to think it is the first. I don't think spirits would talk just for the sake of making conversation. I'd suppose there is usually a reason: helping people. But alas, I am only a mere mortal and do not know these sorts of things. I just hope things turn out for the best.

posted by Casey Jean 3:55 PM

Friday, May 23, 2003

 
My party is today. It is a sleepover and the theme is Pre-christian britian. I am unaware of whether or not my mom realizes that there are boys sleeping over as well as girls. I try to avoid talking about the subject, but i feel that this avoidance could get me into trouble later. I know i told her, and my dad as well, but they both have ways of forgetting things that they don't want to remember.

I washed lawn furniture, baked a cake, set out candles and concocted a costume. There is much left to do however.
posted by Casey Jean 12:23 PM

 
I am painfully aware of my own mortality. It is always creeping up on me, reminding me that I will not live forever and neither will the ones I love. I don’t want to live forever. It’s too long. Sometimes I don’t want to live at all, not even another day. But right now I do want to continue in this life. I’m not yet ready for the next. So when I’m in the car, I’m afraid of the oncoming truck. I don’t want to get hit by a big rig and end up in the hospital maimed and injured. I’ve done that before and I don’t wish to repeat it. Worse I could be dead or in a coma. There are people in this life that I just can’t leave. Our bond is stronger than blood, stronger than life, stronger than time. If anything happens to make me question our relationships, I am plunged into a pit of worthlessness and depression. I don’t want go on, as I have no love, and with no love, there is no life.

As much as I both fear and love death, I would never wish it on anyone. I’ve seen death; I’ve been close to it. It is aweful and terrible. It is at once shockingly real and oddly imagined. Death is something one can never really come to terms with. Ceasing to be is too outside the normal scope of human thought to be easily processed, accepted and filed away for future reference. It is just there. We are all mortal and we will all die. We know it will happen, but we are afraid. We hope it will not be soon, but we hope it will be quick and painless. Wouldn’t dieing now be quicker and less painful in the scheme of things than waiting through an entire life of heartbreak and sorrows just to die in old age with tons of unanswered questions and unfulfilled dreams? Wouldn’t suffering through a century of grief and sorrow be worse than losing the few glimpses of happiness missed by ending it all now? But it’s those few glimpses that make it worth it, isn’t it? Who really knows? Supposing we did know, the meaning of life that is., would anything be easier? Would it be more or less meaningful? I don’t know, but I do know that for now I balance on the step between joy and anguish, happiness and fear, life and death.

What do I do when I near the oncoming truck. If I steer a little to the left, I die, a little to the right I live. My instinct says to turn the wheel, but the real question is as to which way.


posted by Casey Jean 12:09 AM

Thursday, May 15, 2003

 
I hate to see my friends suffer. So many parents are so unnecessarily cruel to their children. One would think that these individuals would learn from their own childhood not to make the same terrible mistakes that their parents did, but yet no. There they are, treating their children like they are crap and worthless, and yet wondering why they act the way they do later on. People are so ignorant. They don't really use their brains or their hearts nearly enough. Self-serving egocentricity is not a trait that is usually found in the best sorts of parents.

I'd like to be able to make parents, teachers, administrators, and society in general see what they are doing to our youth throught their attitudes and actions, but even the truth supported by evidence means nothing to them. Tell an adult about a problem, they punish the child instead of adressing the cause. That's why children keep so much to themselves. The parents and other adults or peers cause the pain, the children deal however they can, and the parents punish the children for it, extending the cycle. Whatever a kid does to get away from their problems, it seems is deemed immature, irresponsible, unhealty, or abnormal behavior and then outlawed by the appropriate figure of athority, taking away the young persons way of coping with the evilness of life in general and continuing the terrible cycle.

When will they learn? The time will be when enough of us become them, but not the them of today. We will be an educated them of tomorrow. A them that remembers being us, and being opressed and ignored by the old them. A new world order of thems.
posted by Casey Jean 12:07 AM

Saturday, May 03, 2003

 
The dictionary says this about the word "pact"
1. An agreement, covenant or contract
Syn: contract, bond, bargain, deal

It also has the following to contribute regarding the word "veto"
8. To prohibit emphatically
Syn: forbid
posted by Casey Jean 6:41 PM