Tuesday, July 15, 2003

 
I haven't written here or in my book of writings for quite a while it seems. I suppose it's because I haven't needed too. I've been quite busy, but business alone isn't what has kept me from writing. I've had other ways to let go of emotion and share what I'm feeling. I've also been in an extended state of bliss for quite a while now. Now I've been splashed back into the previous state for the week, leaving me rather lonely.

Sure, I've been afforded the opportunity to spend time with my friends, parents, family, self, whatever, but as it stands now, there is a piece of me missing, and the longer it's lacking, the further away it seems, and the worse I feel. There's a vague feeling of just wanting to sigh. My mom told me this would happen. She was right. I was OK this morning, but not so much now.

I don't like being left alone with my feelings, especially ones of loneliness or boredom, or sadness or anger or anything remotely negative. If I don't have someone to make it all ok, it generally comes off badly. Even positive emotion is veiled in apathy. These are the sorts of moments when you put on depressing or angst-ridden music and fall into a state of suspended animation. Nothing really occurs, time doesn't really pass...or does it? Does anyone care anyway?

It seems quite impossible that the family trip to Manchester could be even slightly enjoyable tomorrow what with me feeling all mopey and suchwhat. Even the use of the word suchwhat...anyway...I'll try to have a good time. I need to remember that I'm not the one that's got it badly this week. I can go out. I can do things with almost anyone, have a theoretical 'good time'...I'm not under house arrest.

Papa Roach: Last Resort...That's the song that just came on Sonique. Haven't heard that in quite some time. Seems somehow appropriate. I probably should learn to deal with everyday occurences like not seeing someone for five days. it shouldn't be a big deal, but it seems like the end of the world. How can I ever go to college if I react to something as small as this. I know it will be over soon and we will be together in just a few days, but I want to be with him NOW. I can't wait that long. That's not how it's supposed to work. I really overreact to things. I don't know what my deal is. I think i have more than one though: many. I'm a multi-dealed individual.

I am at a total loss as far as how to deal is concerned. I can't deal in the slightest. Whenever the smallest bad thing happens, everything sad about my life that I can think of just bubbles to the surface, preparing for the eventual overflow that is bound to occur. I shouldn't give in, but I fear I will...This is stupid, there is no reason to feel this way. He won't forget about me. He will still be there for me and he will still love me come friday.

It still feels like the absolute end of the world to me though.
posted by Casey Jean 2:07 AM