Thursday, August 07, 2003

 
And there you are. In your room. At the computer. Typing. Typing. Typing. I highly enjoy typing. Just typing out random thoughts, anything really, makes me quite happy. It takes my mind of things that I don't want to deal with at the moment. As long as I'm typing I'm ok. Nothing to worry about. My thoughts are occupied trying to find the right keys and deciding what to write next.

College is sixteen days away. Sixteen days. That is insane. It's still not real to me though. I don't know my class schedule or where I am living or who i'm rooming with. None of this is real. It's still months away, and my friends and I have plenty of time to do everything we want to accomplish before we leave.

Sometimes though, I let myself think about it. I let the reality of the situation seep into my brain, into my heart, and get really scared. Honestly, physically scared. If you can understand what i mean by 'physically' scared, then you understand the gravity of the situation. I cannot go. I cannot leave them. We will all be so far from eachother, so far from our support, our standbys...those we thought would always be there for us...but now, so soon, they will be gone.

And it's not only that I will be away from them, it's that I fear everything will be different when we see each other again. We won't be as close, we won't trust each other as much, there won't be as much oppenness. It's the end of and era, one that's only been going on since june, sure, but then end of a beautiful, unmatchable era all the same.

What will I do in college? Will i fit in? Will my life be happy? or will it be immensely stress-filled? How will I deal with things there, without people I trust to tell my issues to. Making new friends takes time, and who knows if I will find anyone I can actually trust enough to be totally open with. Do I even want to? I'm happy with the friends i have now, and I don't want to betray them.

::sigh::

well, for now, there's not much I can do about it except savor the time I have left here, and get ready as best I can. Come august 23rd, we shall see what unfolds. It is still imagined in my mind though. This cannot be over, this cannot end. I will not let it. It's unallowable!

posted by Casey Jean 10:17 AM